Take A Freaking Bow, Mafia

You literally table slammed your way into a political agenda.

Jim Rome
July 21, 2020 - 11:46 am
Bills Mafia

USA Today


By now—four months into a global pandemic—I’ve run out of ways to adequately and appropriately say just how strange life is at the moment. But do I really need to? Pretty sure everyone with a pulse has felt it and seen it in one way or another. Schools are closed, cases are spiking all over again. restaurants are seating people in the parking lot, barbershops are cutting hair on the sidewalk, and sports remain in flux.  

Yes, golf is back and so is the UFC. And the NBA and Major League Baseball are returning this month. But serious questions still remain around football at every level. And nothing is certain. Yesterday, the state of California pushed football and all fall high school sports back to January 2021. And this is coming on the heels of most of college football moving to conference-only schedules. And then at the top you’ve got the NFL reportedly looking to skip the preseason on the same day that MetLife Stadium announces there won’t be any fans allowed to attend Giants or Jets games this year.

Now—the joke is as obvious as it is true. That Jets fans being told to stay home on Sunday might be thee silver-lining of the pandemic. That being locked out from hell isn’t such a bad thing if you have an addiction to walking through the turnstiles of eternal damnation. That saving half-a-grr on parking, tickets, food, and drink while gassing five hours witnessing a loss is a blessing in disguise.

And it’s all of that. But what might be backhandedly good for Jets Fan—is unfortunately another sign that we’re not nearly as close to the end of this thing as we thought we were just a month ago.

And if you cruise northwest out of MetLife back over state lines—you’ll l eventually land in the tailgate capital of the world—Buffalo, New York; ground zero for Sunday mass gatherings when the Bills are in town.

Keeping people out of a stadium is one thing. And it’s relatively easy. You just lock up the gates and patrol the perimeter. But keeping people from congregating in nearby areas—is entirely another. And the local government in Orchard Park knows that. Because the local government in Orchard Park isn’t dealing with just anybody. They’re dealing with the world famous Bills Mafia.

In a recent article from Buffalo News dot com—Councilman Conor Flynn spoke about his concerns that the Mafia would still show up in satellite lots adjacent to the stadium and carry on business as usual.

And if you know the Mafia—you know their usual business. Namely—lighting themselves on fire, having sex in the parking lot, throwing rubba dongas on the field, sword fighting with pepperoni sticks, and using other Mafia members butt-cracks as a beer bong luge.

None of what I just listed is made up. It’s all documented on the internet and proudly owned by the Mafia.

Put simply—there is no fan base like it. Not even close. And it’s why the powers-that-be are holding meetings about what to do when they show up to a game that they’re not allowed to attend.

Most NFL cities can rest peacefully knowing that a locked up stadium is enough of a deterrent to keep people away. In Buffalo, you’ve got Councilman Flynn dropping this all-time quote as he forecasts rampant pandemic tailgating in nearby parking lots.

“We’ve had a difficult enough time getting people to not jump through flaming tables. I have concerns about our ability to enforce mask-wearing in that sort of environment.”

That’s a real quote from a real politician in a real American city. And he’s really serious about it, too. That’s not some throw-away line. That’s legit concern that the Mafia cannot be governed. And it’s based off a decorated past of doing just what the Councilman said; jumping through flaming tables.

The legacy of the Mafia might not be cloaked in big playoff wins or Super Bowl runs. At least not since Jim Kelly was running that K gun offense back in the day. But when you have a city council citing your flaming table recklessness for why they’re developing contingency plans for NFL Sundays despite the likelihood of no fan attendance—you know you’re in a league of your own.

Especially since the pandemic started off back in March with the Mayor of Buffalo sternly warning Bills fans to celebrate Tom Brady’s departure from the AFC East responsibly.

The Mayor didn’t get off that Brady blast for a cheap laugh. He got it off because he had to. He knows his audience. And his audience is the Mafia. So damn right the Mayor had to tell them to check themselves before they wrecked themselves.

3 months later and it’s a councilman in Orchard Park doing the same thing.

Imagine having a reputation so impervious to normal human discourse that politicians on multiple occasions mention you and your antics in dead serious forums like press conferences and newspaper interviews.

I probably shouldn't say this--but I'm going to anyway. Take a freaking bow, Mafia. You literally table slammed your way into the political agenda. Twice. And it's not even football season.

Now--prove the world wrong. 

This year, when you take a bath in kerosene and are about to jump naked off an RV through a flaming folding table--look right into the cell phone camera and put on a mask. Notice I’m not asking you not to drive into any flaming tables. I know that’s not realistic. I’m just asking you to throw on a mask before you do it. 

Because not wearing a mask would be Mafia on Mafia crime. And no one wants that.