The Match II

It raised a lot of money and even more corn.

Jim Rome
May 26, 2020 - 9:19 am
Peyton Manning and Tom Brady

USA Today

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The Match II: Too Match Too Furious took place on Sunday and this time, instead of just having Phil and Tiger breathing heavily into mics like the last time, they added a twist. And that twist was a pair of unknowns by the name of Peyton Manning and Tom Brady.

Let me start with the good news: it raised a lot of money, 20 million dollars in fact, for coronavirus relief efforts. That is awesome. Truly incredible.

And it was good to see something that could roughly be referred to as a live sport. But let’s be real. I know we’re all pretty desperate for live sports; something to see.  Something to do. Something to talk about. But let’s go ahead and stop acting like that was SOMETHING AWESOME. Did we all watch the same thing? I don’t think so.  Because that was not nearly as awesome as some folks would have you believe.

Because the way some folks are reacting, we just saw the most riveting sporting event ever. And without question, one of the most hilarious things ever put on the small screen.  Again, what were some of you watching? It was neither of those things. What it was, was better than the Match Part 1. And it made a helluva money for a really important cause. 

Let’s start with the Tiger showing up wearing cargo shorts. Yes, cargo shorts. Don’t argue with me. I don’t care if it’s a modern take on cargo shorts, they were cargo shorts. And that set the stage for what was about to become one of the corniest sporting events ever.

Not just corny. Corny as hell. You knew the golf from Manning and Brady wasn’t going to be particularly good and the comedy wasn’t much better.

Check out this hilarious and not at all manufactured zinger from Manning on the range when he was asked about who he’d have as his caddy.

Boom! He’d bring Nick Foles or Eli! Roasted! Have some, Tom Brady. How’s that taste? Those are two guys who beat you in a Super Bowl. Bam!

Those felt totally natural and not at all rehearsed or pre-written. How does Pinky not chase that by going upside TB 43’S head with a cut that meat taunt?? And if he was going bring Eli into this why not make Brady officiate another Oreo lick race between the Manning bro’s: what’s more intimidating than those two dudes furious licking Oreos: no way Brady sees that and is able to focus on his next shot. In the very least, Manning should’ve rolled his boy Papa John how to carry the bag for a few holes and to set the record straight on Tommy’s nonsense about eating avocado ice cream: after all, the Papa smashes more than a pie a day.

But you knew Tom Brady wasn’t going to take all that lying down. This dude went from being a sixth rounder with seemingly not athletic ability to the best to ever do it: so you knew he was going to have some napalm of his own. And he did. He clapped back on Manning about being a Dome quarterback.

Dome quarterback! Holy crap!! He went there! Damn, is this a charity golf event or a rap battle?  Because these two guys are killing each other!

But Brady knew he was too harsh with that dome quarterback blast, so he softened it up by pointing out that in these weather conditions you just want to hand the ball off. You know, because they’re quarterbacks. And it’s raining.  Damn.  These dudes are amazing.  They’re great at football. And even better at comedy and talking smack. Is there anything these two legends CAN’T do.? 

WELL…Golf….FOR ONE.

Because after the weather delay, the first tee went about as well as you’d expect. Manning shanked one into the palmetto bushes and had to take a drop. And Brady wasn’t much better.

In fact, the biggest news from the front nine is that Tom Brady really is not that good at golf. And by not that good, I mean, he’s like a genuine hack. It almost looked like the guy had never picked up a club before in his life.

And on the third tee, he sliced one and opened the door for the Roastmaster General, Tiger Woods to come in with the heat.

"That'll be in the fairway...on seven" HEYYYYY-OOOOOOO!

That’s that famous Tiger sense of humor that everyone talks about and we never get to see. Well, he was letting it rip on Sunday.

And Brady was in trouble again off the tee on five.

He was struggling with the clubs, but not with the comedy. Check out this fire exchange about Manning’s Tennessee mascot head cover and then it just turns into an all-out war about their alma maters.

And then in the blindest luck in the history of blind luck, Brady holed out 7.

Amazing shot. But let’s just leave it at that. It was an amazing shot and not some sign that Tom Brady is the ultimate competitor and you can never count him out and he proved yet again that he’s the GOAT. He didn’t. He holed an amazing shot and then he promptly busted his pants. Literally.

But he was feeling it after that hole-out, because Tom brought the fire after this missed putt on 8.

Damn! He did it! He went there! He just did Peyton like that.

And then if a joke is good once, you know what the pros do – they use it again. 

Eli definitely would’ve made that one! He went there again! Shut it down! Let’s go home!

And it turns out great smack is contagious. How about this blast from Phil after Brady hit a big putt?

I could keep going because there is so much of this – just one cringe moment after another. The kind of thing that we’re all going to look back on at some point and think, man, remember how hard up we were during the pandemic for sports, any kind of sports: so hard up that we were betting the weather and actually thought the Match II was funny?  Or cool.

I will say this – there was a breakout star from the event who will get his own take, though. A legit star.

But as for the entire event, I’m really glad it raised all that money for coronavirus relief. And The Match II was better than the Match I, because I’m not sure anything could’ve been worse.

And yes, I’ll give you this, the back nine was better than the front nine on Sunday, but let’s not act like this was the single greatest event in the history of television. It wasn’t. I know it’s been a long time since we’ve had something to watch, but we’re not so desperate that seeing those guys qualifies as great comedy or great golf.  It was neither.

Sure, Phil was Phil, bombing tee shots, getting really amped, and talking a bunch. And Tiger looked a hell of a lot better than the last time we saw him. But golfing with Phil and those two jesters for 18 holes in carts is totally different from four rounds of serious competition.

I’m glad the whole thing happened and I’m glad it’s over. Because it was corny as hell. It raised a lot of money and even more corn.