Tiger Woods

USA Today

Tiger Honks

I have a message for you: get a freaking grip.

April 15, 2019 - 11:31 am

Now, let me address a group of people. The Tiger Fanboys. The Tiger Bros. Honk Nation. Bag Nation. You know who I’m talking about. This collection of alleged adults, most of whom are male, most of whom according to their driver’s licenses are adults, many of whom have families, who were weeping yesterday afternoon.

I have a message for you: get a freaking grip.

Tiger Woods winning a Masters after 14 years is great. You are the worst.

You know the people I am talking about. The people who weren’t just rooting for Tiger, they were rooting against guys like Molinari, and Cantlay, and Koepka. The people who were practically rooting for Dustin to take another header down a flight of stairs. For Finau to put his foot on backwards again. For rising star xander to implode on the big stage. 

I’m talking to you adult dopes who have Tiger Woods posters and figurines in you man caves. Worse yet, the people who refer to a room in their house as a “man cave.”

The same ones who not that long ago were making tired jokes about Perkins waitresses and laughing on the outside, but deep down, crying on the inside and feeling like you had betrayed your idol. 

I know yesterday was big, but David Cruz thinks you need to dial it down. I know what it means to you, do you know what you mean to the rest of us? The gal yelling “we love you” outside the Aaron Hernandez trial thinks you need some perspective.  

Sure, it’s one of the best things ever.  But you dopes are turning it into one of the worst things ever. I want to enjoy this. I really do. But you bros are making damn near impossible to do so.

And let’s be clear about something: Tiger Woods won The Masters yesterday, not you.

Somehow you got it all twisted. I know you’re excited…just, know this: you didn’t’ do jack: this was something that another man did. Not you. I’m glad this guy made you feel good. I really am. But you’re annoying and making the rest of us feel like crap. Stop doing it.

I know that many of you grew up idolizing Tiger and counting off the majors with him. You had so much invested in him. Then he drove his SUV into a fire hydrant and it all fell apart. For him and for you. I’ve always said this: I know sports are the great escape: I’m glad: if they weren’t, I wouldn’t have the life I have. I get it. But get this: I have a life: and I’ve always made sure that the quality of my life was not dependent on how my favorite team did: that I controlled my destiny, the Dodgers didn’t. Or the Lakers didn’t.  That’s what you honks are going with the cat: your life sucked once he bounced his rig off that that tree: and Elin bounced that nine off his grill. But now, NOT ONLY IS TIGER BACK, BUT YOU ARE TOO!!! AND WRECKING FOR EVEYRONE ELSE! 

And let me say one more thing… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: pump the brakes a little on this being the greatest comeback in the history of the world. It might not even be the greatest comeback in the history of golf. This isn’t Ben Hogan coming back from being hit by a bus. Tiger wasn’t hit by an SUV, he was driving the SUV. 

But he did the hard work. By all accounts, he faced his demons. And according to those around him, he’s a different guy. Rickie Fowler told Alan Shipnuck: “His back was against the wall, potentially not being able to compete again. It was cool to see him fall in love with the game again. He’s Tiger again but he’s a different Tiger.”

Charley Hoffman told Shipnuck even more: “He’s a better person now. He’s more humble, more personable. He’s learned from his mistake and come out stronger and better.”

That’s excellent. It really is. He changed. That is amazing, because it is so hard and so rare for people to change.

He’s changed, but Honk Nation hasn’t. If anything it’s worse now than it was before. Being a Tiger fan is fine. Being a Tiger Fan Boy is not. And if you can’t tell the difference, you’re one of them. 

Don’t be confused about this. This isn’t a bit for radio. This is the truth. Tiger winning, great. You, an adult, doing fist pumps around your living room and crying into your red polo, not great. It’s embarrassing.

It’s not cool. It’s not funny. And don’t try to shake it off like you’re being ironic. Or whatever. It’s embarrassing.

Throwing around every piece of golf lingo you can get your hands on doesn’t make it cooler, either. Talking about piping shots makes it worse.

 And - don’t tell me you saw it coming. You didn’t. Sure, for the last year and a half you did, but so did everyone else. But nobody thought it would happen. Tiger himself was saying things like: “I was beyond playing. I couldn’t sit. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t lay down without feeling the pain in my back and my leg … This is how the rest of my life is going to be? It’s going to be a tough rest of my life.”

And “There’s really nothing I can look forward to, nothing I can build towards. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? I don’t know.”

That guy was never going to win again. That was the guy who was missing putts and missing cuts. The guy with a bad back and a case of the yips. The guy who was as likely to withdraw on Friday as play on Sunday.

But that guy put in the work. Again, he put in the work. You didn’t. So him winning doesn’t vindicate you. Tiger Woods winning is about Tiger Woods. It is not about you. So don’t make it about you. It’s not funny. It’s not ironic. It’s clueless, and annoying.  Don’t take one of the best things and make it one of the worst. Stop ruining it for others who want to enjoy it.