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Truly Disgusting Take

This next take is highly graphic in nature.

May 23, 2018 - 11:04 am
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This next take is highly graphic in nature. That is a warning. And I know, sometimes I’ll say that and it’s kind of a joke because what I end up talking about is a nasty dunk or a vicious crossover. But that is not the case this time. What I am about to talk about is truly disgusting. It is the kind of thing that will make you want to put down your lunch. Or skip lunch. Or never eat a meal again. And good luck trying to get to sleep tonight after I hear what I have to say, because that’s pretty much out of the question. I’m about to fill your tank with nightmare fuel for days.

You know what? I don’t even know why I’m bringing this up. I shouldn’t even get into this because it’s just too gross….revolting. 

But I will. Because it’s a sports story, this is a sports show, and I’m a professional. 

So strap in. Here it is…

This is the story of Columbus Blue Jackets prospect Carson Meyer. He is a forward for Miami University who was selected in the sixth round of last year’s draft after a really nice freshman season. Then his numbers fell off last season. He went from 26 points in 32 games to 9 points in 34 games – a pretty dramatic plummet. 

But it was way more than a sophomore slump. Because not only did his numbers dip, pretty much everything else did, too. He was constantly tired, didn’t have an appetite, lost weight, and just wasn’t himself. And Doctors couldn’t figure out what the hell was wrong.

That is, until February, when…and here comes the disgusting part, so steel yourself… Meyer went to use the restroom. 

And now, let me read from The Athletic, which has a piece on Meyer up right now: 

“I was going to the bathroom, just like normal,” Meyer said. “And it came out.”

It was a 25-inch tapeworm — the head, the neck and all of the segments, about 50 of them. It was orange. Meyer almost fainted.

And Jim Rome almost fainted reading that. A 25 inch tapeworm!?!?!?! That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard of. And shoutout to Aaron Portzline of The Athletic for this sentence: It was a 25-inch tapeworm — the head, the neck and all of the segments, about 50 of them. It was orange.

I’m not sure what’s the most revolting part of that: the fact that it was more than two feet long, or that it had a head, neck, and roughly 50 segments, or that it was orange. Call it a tie for dead last.

I mean. Was that thing swimming around in the toilet? Trying to get out and attack Carson again? I mean, I don’t know how long they can survive outside the body. Just know I’m not going to you tube to find out! 

But we’re not done here. Tell us more, Carson:

“I Face-timed my mom and was like, ‘What the hell is this thing?’ ” Meyer said. “I was freaking out. Absolutely freaking out.”

Holly Meyer said she’s never been so horrified, or relieved.

“I was trying to be calm,” she said. “He showed me everything and I remember saying, you have to get that to the trainer and figure out what it is so they can get you fixed.

“And I did say at that moment, ‘This is why everything has been the way it’s been, Carson. This was it.’ It was scary, but it was a relief.”

Every parent deals with the same struggles when their kid goes away to college. How much do you stay involved in their lives? I mean, you’re used to talking to them every day, so when they leave, how much is too much? You don’t want to be a helicopter parent, but at the same time, you still want to be part of their lives.

So you know that Carson’s mom, Holly, was probably thrilled when she got that notification that Carson was Facetiming her. 

Only to find out that he’s facetiming her THAT?!? 

Facetiming her from the bathroom and yelling, “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?!?”

Let me say this right now, Holly Meyer is a legend. She handled that like a pro. She wasn’t disgusted, she was relieved and told him to get to medical attention to figure out what it was. What a boss. My son Jake is going to college year after next: if he facetimes me a long orange worm, I’m telling him to lose my number! In fact, I’m cancelling his account altogether. 

Because that thing was a tapeworm with a complicated Latin name that I won’t bother you with right now, but it apparently comes from eating undercooked fish. 

Oh, and according to the Center for Disease Control, Meyer got off lucky with that 2 foot worm. Because this beast can grow to grow up to 30 feet long. Yeah, I said it. A 30 foot long tapeworm. You could use it to measure first downs. Just get the chain gang out there for a fourth down measurement and bring the tapeworm. 

And with that, I’m officially off the undercooked fish bandwagon. From now on, everything I order is going to be well done. Just burn the hell out of that salmon and that tuna, because the last thing I’m interested in is a 30 foot tape worm or even a 2 foot tape worm. 

In fact, after hearing that story, good luck getting me to eat fish ever again. And good luck getting me to eat ever again. Not only am I off the undercooked fish bandwagon, I’m off the food bandwagon entirely. I’m never going to eat again and I’m probably never going to sleep again.