Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez

USA Today

Twin Souls

A-Rod has officially reached the point of no return in his character arc.

August 21, 2018 - 1:28 pm

Congratulations Alex Rodriguez. You’ve officially reached the point of no return in your character arc. From teen hero, to baggy villain, to reconciled broadcaster, to cringiest dude on the planet. This guy has done it all. And he’s reinvented himself a thousand times. But he’s gone now. Far gone. And he’s not coming back.

Look—his relationship with J-Lo is his business. If he’s happy—hell, even if he’s not happy—I don’t care. At all. I’m not digging around the checkout stands for gossip rags and keeping up with these two. Which is actually my biggest problem with A-Lo or J-Rod or whatever the hell they call themselves. I’m not looking for them and I can’t stop finding them everywhere.

And last night was peak-baggery for this wannabe power couple. That meme you’ve seen plastered all over the internet today—of A-Rod looking at his phone and making a stupid face like he’s choking on a sour warhead—is from last night’s MTV Video Music awards. The guy was in the crowd filming his girlfriend perform on his personal blower—despite the fact that it was being taped and recorded by a thousand professional cameras. But A-Rod knew one of those thousand cameras was going to be on him so he had to go all A-Rod with it and oversell the whole thing. Which he did the enth degree of A-Rod.

And that whole charade of acting like most involved boyfriend of all-time came after he joined the paparazzi on the red carpet to take pictures of J-Lo. Either this guy is getting paid to document J-Lo in public or he’s very, very worried that you’re gonna forget he’s with her. Because no one loves being seen with Jenny from the Block quick like A-Bag.

I’m here to tell you, dude. We get it. You’re dating. We’ve seen the Instagram couples work out videos. We’ve seen the carpool karaoke. We’ve seen the beach photos. We’re good now. 

Problem is—it’s not just thirsty ass A-Rod. J-Lo is just as bad. And last night after she accepted her award for who-the-hell-knows-what—she gave a speech partially dedicated it to her new man.


You’re my twin soul. We’re mirror images of each other? 

Good. This dude loves getting nice with mirrors. 

The audio is bad. But the video of A-Rod holding back tears is enough for me to just finally concede this whole thing.

You guys win. The world is your rom-com. We’re all just extras happy to be here.

Please keep posting work out videos and giving speeches about how the universe is infinitive and so is your love.

And we’ll all pretend like you one of isn’t just trying to get back at Marc Anthony and the other one isn’t trying to someone rework his image as Hall-Of-Fame approved.