Dwyane Wade

USA Today

WOW’s Tragic Ending

Willie Mays stumbling around in centerfield can’t believe Wade’s table jump.

April 10, 2019 - 11:42 am
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Before Magic Johnson dumped gasoline on the fire that is the Lakers season, last night was supposed to be about Dirk and Dwyane. Dirk playing his final home game in Dallas and Dwyane playing his final home game in Miami.

In case you didn’t know, Dwyane Wade is retiring at the end of this season. And if you didn’t know that, welcome back to Earth, because Dwyane Wade has done a great job of reminding everyone that Dwyane Wade is retiring, even coming up with Wade World Tour t-shirts that were sold throughout the season and a hashtag on Twitter.

So when the tour final arrived in Miami last night for the final time, you knew it was going to be a moment. And it was. There were the tributes before the game.

And there was the already meme-able image of him falling into Chrissy Teigen and John Legend on that fade away three.

And then Heat fans breaking out with their own tribute during the game.

Yep, that’s a “Paul Pierce Sucks” chant and it is pretty glorious. Nothing like taunting a player who retired years ago for comments that he made a few days ago.

That was all great, but when the game was over and Wade had played his final game in Miami, the crowd still wanted more. They weren’t ready to say good bye and neither was Wade.

So he addressed the crowd for a final time. But you know that as much as people wanted to hear from him, they wanted him to do his signature move one more time. The scorer’s table jump.

That’s the move that he made famous in the city where he made it famous. That’s his sky hook, his Dirk fade away.

And you know, as much planning as there was for this final season and as orchestrated as it all was, you know that Wade had been thinking about that scorer’s table jump for a long, long time.

So, in front of the Heat fans, in “Wade County,” let’s see that table jump one more time. Before I roll it, if you’re near a TV, turn it on because this is it. This is the table jump he’s been building towards for the whole season. The table jump to end all table jumps.

And one more piece of advice, get the Kleenex ready because it’s about to get dusty in here as he does it one final time.  Dude is going to nail this jump and it’s going to be the most glorious ish ever….

Ready? Roll it.

Whoa! He jumped up on the table, appeared to lose his balance, tried to jump back up and just slammed into it.

For as much time and preparation that went into that tour and that final game, you know there had to be so much MORE  time and thought that went into that jump. And that’s how it went?!? With a bad first jump and an even worse second one?

That table jump was half Carl Lewis, half UFC announcer.

After watching that, I’m not sure whether to go with “Uh-oh” and “I’ll make up for it now”

Or “’Scuse me, my bad!”

But at least he gave us a new drop: “That was tragic.”  

And then he tried for a third time, except he didn’t even try. He just stepped up onto the scorer’s table in the most anti-climactic, OLD MAN moment ever.

If you thought Wade going for 30 last night meant he still had something in the tank, him tripping on that table jump showed it’s over.

Willie Mays stumbling around in centerfield can’t believe Wade’s table jump. Grandpa Joe showed more spring and a greater vert when Charlie showed the golden ticket than Wade did with that table jump.

I get that your legs are tired after a long game, a long season, and a long career, but when did “The Flash” turn into “The Oaf”? The Way of Wade is to just smash into a scorer’s table. My man, mix in a box jump or two before that. Or get a set of stairs. OR ASK LEBRON FOR A LEG UP. Because after all the planning and preparation for the ultimate farewell tour, that’s not how you want it to end. You don’t want “one last dance” to be one last busted shin on a scorer’s table.

To quote the man himself, that was tragic. And now whenever, I think of Dwanyay, I won’t think of the rings, or even that he spells his own name wrong: it will be that one last, ill-fated butchered attempt at his signature move: the time he needed a ladder to get up on the scorer’s table. I don’t remember y out that way, Dwanyay, but I will: you leave me no choice.