Your Ass Better Pull Up

Chris Carson had the best response ever for Fantasy Tough Guy.

Jim Rome
November 10, 2020 - 9:52 am
Chris Carson

USA Today

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Seattle Seahawks running back Chris Carson is having a solid season despite missing the last two games with a bum wheel after he suffered a sprain in the Week 7 overtime loss to the Cardinals. And the Hawks are pretty eager to get him back considering what he does for their run game and play-action as a top-10 NFL rusher in average-yards-per-carry.

But they aren’t the only ones who want him on the field. Fantasy Guy does, too.

And now it’s time for my standard disclaimer on Fantasy Football before we continue: Fantasy Football is great. I’m all about it. Fantasy Guy—on the other hand—is not so great. And I’m not all about him. And that’s an important distinction. The game itself is awesome. But some of the people who play it—are not.

You know these tools who ruin it. The bags who talk about their teams like you give a damn—and rope you over to their desk just to show you how many points they need on Monday Night to pull off the comeback against their friend from college you’ve never met and don’t give a hell about. The weirdos who write Power Rankings for their Facebook group and pollute your eardrums with trade talk.

And these are the least offensive of the Fantasy Guy d-bags.

The really obscene ones who need professional help—are the psychos who go to social media and bitch-out, or even threaten, an NFL player who didn’t perform up to their liking. Happens every week. Happens every year. And 2020—for as strange as it’s been—is no different.

Because this past weekend when the Hawks were in Buffalo—some loser on Instagram slid into Chris Carson DM’s and wrote to him, “Yo, p-word. Tape your foot up and go the eff in. You’re killing my fantasy team right now. Eff you.”

That’s a direct quote except for the fact that the guy typed out the eff-bombs and actually called Chris Carson the word that starts with p that I absolutely cannot say on the radio.

Keep in mind that Chris Carson didn’t even travel with the team to Buffalo. So telling a guy to tape up his foot and get the eff in there during a game he was 2,574 miles away isn’t just moronic, it’s impossible.

Well apparently Carson was checking his DM’s at the time. Because what the hell else are you gonna do laid up on the other side of the country? And Carson decided to respond.

“Eff your fantasy team. Come make me play.”

Beautiful. Short. Succinct. To the point. And probably a holy-bleep moment for the jackwagon who thought Carson was in Buffalo on the sidelines and not on the couch using his phone.

But that idiot wasn’t going away. He wrote back to Carson, “What’s the address?”

Classic internet tough guy. Like he’s actually gonna roll up on 220-pound Chris Carson.

Carson wasted no time and immediately thumbed out—his home address in Bellevue ,Washington!

And he added, “Your ass better pull up.”

Holy hell. Meet Me in Temecula has officially become Meet Me in Bellevue—at my house!

And as you probably could have assumed, the keyboard warrior went dead silent and straight ghosted. Because of course he did. One dude wants the smoke and is named Chris Carson. The other dude is some anonymous tool box who hopefully lost his fantasy game along with all that dignity.

You could argue Carson got hooked. But I’m going the other way. Getting hooked is when you get suckered into a response and come off looking really bad.

Hitting some degenerate up and telling him eff your fantasy team, here’s my address, your ass better pull up—isn’t a bad look. It’s awesome.

In other words: My foot is injured, but THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH  my fists. OR MY THUMBS.  OR MOUTH  . Come pull up and find out.  BETTER YET, QUOTE, YOUR ASS BETTER PULL UP. 

Listen, I’m not suggesting athletes fight fans. Nor do I ever think it’s a good idea to get hooked by some rando or some egg on social. But you could see where an athlete, who is already hurt and frustrated because he’s not out there in the fight with his brothers, might welcome an actual fight with some idiot who is sliding into his DM’s and questioning his manhood. You could see where a guy like Carson might say, I’ll take the good with the bad, and idiots fans are part of what I signed up for. But there is a line, and buying a ticket to a game or better yet, having a guy on your fantasy team does not give you license to cross that line. And if one more dude does cross it, if one more dude questions my manhood, it’s go time: you want to question my toughness, my manhood, come see me about it. Here’s my address. You don’t even need to call ahead of time. I’ll be here.    Again, I don’t condone it, but I can see how an athlete would feel that way; because there is a line and there are consequences if you cross it: you can’t just do and say whatever the hell you want as a fan. And as of now, despite having his home address, this rando has not pulled up. Which is not surpring at all.

Because the only thing more certain than Fantasy Guy being a d-bag--is Fantasy Guy being an all-bark-no-bite d-bag.

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